Wednesday, October 26, 2005

:) :) What a glorious feeling!~~~

hehe.... i received the letter from MOE today and guess what, I got in!!! =) Really muz be very conscientious from now on to work hard. heh and I am considering putting this as my name for baptism LUCIA It means "light". What do u think? =)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

张开双手变成翅膀守护你。。。。

我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你。。。。 Was watching the Hong Kong serial of 十兄弟 (the new one) just now, and so happened that it was this episode about them finding back their grandpa, and the joy of just having the dear old person at home, to teach, to discipline, to pass on experiences etc. And I suddenly miss grandpa (again).... I think it's because I am learning how to play 童话 now, that I suddenly find it very appropriate if I can sing the above few sentences for grandpa. Especially during that last period of his life that he was suffering in hospital, that I really wished I could protect him and bring him through; but that was not going to happen..... Sometimes I'd think that some pain can never be overcome in that sense, such that of course if we choose to move on, we can, but the pain remains as a pain. I still remember the conversation I had with grandpa in the hospital “阿公,要喝多一点水知道吗?” “喝不下啦。” “你要乖,不要不听话。喝多一点水病就会快点好了。” “。。。。。。” “现在病已经好的七七八八了,再多一下子我们就接你回家过年了。你千万不要再去偷买汽水知道吗? 好好休息啊,我多几天再来看你。” I'd not have guessed that that will be the last time that I'll be seeing and talking to grandpa. And that we will never have him around for Chinese New Year anymore. Grandpa was admitted to hospital supposingly because his intestines got entangled and need to go for an op. Somehow after his first op, he secretly asked my cousin to buy a soft drink for him and that caused him a second op (as according to the doctors). Yep, grandpa did not like to drink plain water. He basically lived with soft drinks, coffee and all other beverages except plain water, all the way since he was young. His diet was pretty unhealthy, such that he loved oily and fatty food, and all of them saltily. I guess having such a lifestyle landed grandpa in where he was the last days of his life. And there I was after his 2nd op, telling him all those things, trying very hard to help him to come down his bed to walk around, but failed as he was too heavy for me to help around, and he felt too giddy too. A few days later after I left, grandpa was admitted into the operation room for a third round of operation. I mean, such an old person, 3 rounds of op probably really cost his life. And it really did. Grandpa did not come to after that operation. I remembered when I rushed back to Malaysia, and the moment I saw grandpa on the bed, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t imagine under what other circumstances can I cry so hard other than that..... Grandpa was not conscious anymore, but his moustache grew out a bit, and he was barely living from the oxygen supply. Later on, the doctor suggested to take off the oxygen supply as the oxygen was merely keeping him breathing and there's no way they can save grandpa anymore. And the common consensus was to drive grandpa home and take off the oxygen supply back at home; although I wasn’t part of the common consensus. I think throughout the time that I saw grandpa all the way until they say they want to take off the oxygen supply, that I was completely in a state of daze. When they reach home and took off the oxygen supply, grandpa stopped breathing. At that moment, everybody started wailing extremely loudly. I didn’t wail, in fact I think my senses were numb already, and I had a near faint sensation. And everybody started talking to the body. I crouched at the sofa. I wonder why everybody is talking to an empty body and why not to the real person when he was still alive, struggling in the hospital, and what everybody says is that they are too busy to even pay a visit. Saving the details....And so I lost my grandpa....for eternity. No more chances to have dinner with him at some Malaysian restaurant. No more Chinese New Year with the elders around. No more gathering even during Chinese New Year, unlike last time that we just spend a few days staying together at the old house. I wonder where grandpa is now. No more 家有一老,如有一宝 for me. So all the more I am trying as much as possible to treasure my parents, and I do know that one day they will leave me, and that day is uncertain. It may be tomorrow or today, the next moment. And if I lose them, I lose them for eternity? I think what matters more is where they go after they die for our stay in this world is temporal, what that matters is that which is eternal... I miss grandpa.......

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Yay! =)

I think trips always come at the right time. When it so happens such that I really *REALLY* need a getaway, somehow God will give me one. I think He really knows when are the times I really need to just go away and take a break. I am going to Hong Kong with my family and then to either KL, Redang, Sibu or Tioman with Tianmin. =) So happy right? =) Wah......time to unwind and get away from all the "nonsense" of life.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I think I am very....

..protective. I dunno lei...I think generally i do feel very defensive when my loved ones are being scolded or wat or this or that. Like if you say my bro is very stingy, or my father very fat, or my mama very ugly, the very possible reaction I'd have is that I'll be pretty displeased and if those thgs u not say are not true, I will scold you. And if they are true, I would probably ask u to shuddup...haha....I dunno how my reaction will be like, but i know I am protective, judging on the thgs that i do. or even frens, esp those close to me. If I know you make my good fren suffer, I will be sure I will 给你好看, though I dun mean I will condone those wrongs. So isnt it a good thing to be loved by me? haha...wah...pukes.... **************************** Sometimes some things, just shock you so much u cant believe it's true. I used to dream dreams that contradict a certain person or people very much and I'd wake up from the dream feeling relieved, because I know that is just a dream. But I dunno how you'd feel, but for me, when a something so unreal, SO unimaginable happened, I just find it so hard to get it away from my mind. I really dun wanna remember it anymore, but i realise I cannot do it. I mean, there is no unforgiveness, love is still holding thgs together, but somehow, whenever I remembered what happened, I cant help but feel shudders. But i guess it is at times like such that God will use His supernatural powers to make straight what that was bent. He can and surely will, I believe.

Allow me to let it out....

Haha, I seriously dunno what this post will bring, afraid it will add on even more to the impression that I am an open book blah blah blah But yet I feel, this is my blog isnt it so? And anyway those reading arent that many after all. Yup, just tad alot of sentiments that I feel I need to let it out. Before that, I just wanna say how annoying I feel friendster is becoming. U noe now they have this new feature of letting other people know who has recently viewed your profile, and which means if u go and view another person's, he or she will know. This is so not fun!!! I mean, sometimes u just enjoy sneaking around looking at people's photos and all, why the need to let them know?? Some of them u dun really know very well also. yup, at least for me, I just feel it's so very weird to let my "fren" notice that I recently visited their page blah blah blah. Will they feel I am some freak? Anyway, friendster is very annoying also because EVERY time u go back to the homepage that I will be shown the pop up about some new features. I no longer like friendster. Was out eating dinner with my family just now and we went to this hotel at River Valley. Ordered the usual dishes since we were also not super hungry (cos gege thot I am not coming back for dinner and they ordered this 金枕头 thg, the curry wrapped in bread thg, and we ate a bit...yup, quite yummy =)) One of the dishes was my all time favorite toufu, and as I was eating the toufu, I suddenly thought of my grandpa and my big uncle. Who both had passed away. When I was still young and do not have many frens to go out with (or probably didnt have the freedom too), I used to always go back (yep, I am borned in Malaysia but am a Singaporean) to Malaysia during weekends to kinda visit my grandpa, and when my grandma hasnt passed away, my grandma too, and of cos also my 阿太 (my great grandmother, my gandpa's mother). Big uncle would be around sometimes in the house, and we would all go for dinner together. Good times they were, though mama occassionally complained why is it always she who treats, why big uncle dunno how to 自动. Anyway, thats not the point, the point is eating tofu reminds me of those times that big uncle will bring us to different eateries and comment how good their tofu were. And that such times will never come back again. I dunno if it's that things changed or that actually they were always like that, just that I didnt know because I was still young. But as I grew older, things start to get more complicated. My grandma passed away, family relations start to get thinner: it's like since the mum whom all the bros and sisters loved passed away, there's no more so strong a reason to gather anymore. My grandma died due to high blood pressure. I felt she couldnt have died, it's not a good reason to die for. She died because she didnt take her high blood pressure medicine (and you know hbp patients cant skip their medicine) and in turn consumed some 符水, which I think made her blood pressure went up instead, and thus she collapsed. She suffered a stroke, and I still remember I was pri 5 when she passed away. On that day that 婆婆 collapsed, I talked to mama on phone (I dun remember why on phone and not in person) and mama's voice was practically trembling. Mama loved 婆婆 very very much. It is very ironic indeed how sometimes u will proclaim how much you love a certain person, but when things happen, that you will give reasons like I have to work and cant go to the hospital to stay guard with your mother, and when the person dies, you will cry like nobody's business. Anyway, mama went to the hospital, and because of the stroke, all the blood stayed in 婆婆's brain, and somehow before she died, the blood flowed out from all the openings above the neck, ie the eyes, nose, ears, mouth; mama said that's 七孔流血. She was with her mum the last moments before the mum died. And I know mama still misses 婆婆 very much that she will still dream of her here and there and often tell us that it is so good for us to still have a mum (that is herself), because 有妈妈的孩子最幸福. I mean, ya...thats what she says to us often. After 婆婆 died, they started to have many arguments, that about which the house should only be under the sons' names and not the daughters' since they say daughters are like 泼出去的水,I know my mum was very hurt after that. Family relations get thinner again. One day, they said they wanted to sell the old house, the house which mama grew up in, the house that i remember being in when I was really young, the house gege spent the first few years of his life in. Mama should be very hurt because she always calls that her 祖屋, the house which she holds alot her memories: the place that she goes back to after collecting pineapples from work; the place that she bathes her younger bros and sisters, fed them and played with them; the place that she listened to stories of her 阿公, who is my 太公, the person whom she says knows martial arts. After 婆婆 passed away, we no longer have very joyous CNY celebrations in that old house, and they hired a young maid who was so bad, who anyhow do sexually imoral thgs with those foreign workers in the town and who stole my bra!!!! I am so mad with her about that. Anyway I can do nothing about it because mama say it's not very nice to search her room in fear that she may not be the one who stole it. I forgot why I was so sure it was her, anyway it was her la. A few years after my 婆婆 's death, they moved my grandpa to stay with my youngest uncle...... Shall continue another seating...think this is getting too long.

Sibeh Bueh Swey....

Them la.....Mr Ong Chai Heng and Soh Chee Seng. THEY CLOSED DOWN THEIR BLOGS!!! Haha....no la....Tsk...not like I am a worshipper of blogs, but they close down liao means I have one less blog to read already. Three lesser blogs from the starting of my frens'. Eh...u all very Bueh Swey leh....go set up again lei

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

That fateful day - 11 OCtober 10:30am

And so it was written on the appointment letter that it is 10:30am but they asked me to reach 15 mins earlier for my documents to be checked. Later on I took a peep at the schedule sheet, actually I was scheduled for 10:40am. Then why ask me to reach by 10.15am? Anyway, from outside if I have not been instructed to go into the place, I'd have assume that the place is not opened or something because the lights are not even on. Need to go nearer before noticing, eh, the lights are on actually. The air-con was so weak I started to feel warm even. And then the very eccentric receptionist who seemingly have a problem. She asked me to go downstairs to zap my docs, and when I asked whether I need to zap my certs as well, she suddenly asked me while holding another person's IC, whether I am Cheryl. I said no and repeated my question of whether I need to zap my certs. And she gave that blank look again, obviously disturbed by the IC thingy, and it took her a well 20 0r 30 seconds (thats like half a min???) before she briefly looked at me to say "ya, certs need, ya..." before she went back into her state of disturbance again. I am puzzled by her behavior and headed to the lift to go downstairs; feeling puzzled all the way what's wrong with the receptionist. It's at moments like these that you really feel things are so qiao right? When I was photocopying my certs and all, I needed to dig out all my 10 cents coins (yes, it's that ancient a photocopying machine. where's the cashcard man?) to photocopy, and I had just nice the no of 10 cents coins to finish photocopying my docs. So i went up and handed back my docs and my survey forms to the receptionist. And guess what happened? The receptionist asked me for my appointment letter and proceeded on to wanna mark on the attendance sheet that I came, and when she flipped to my name, she realised that she has already marked my name as present (she has already marked the first time I went up). I am again puzzled. Anyway, I gave her the survey forms that i finished, together with my docs. And before I wanted to take a seat, she suddenly say, "Can you kindly help us fill up this survery form? 2 of them." And I was like, huh??? Didnt I just give you my survey forms a while ago? Anyway I was kind to tell her that I have already given her the survey forms. And she just went "oh...ok. Pls take a seat and wait for ur turn." And then I waited. Soon. My turn. I think I dun wanna elaborate too much about the whole process. Anyway I felt like shit after that so u could have guessed along which line the session falls on. I felt so absoduperlutely shitty that straight after I opened the door from the "session", I headed for the main exit and called one of my frens. And in the middle of talking that I realised I forgot to collect back my certs. So I went back to the receptionist. Collected my certs, ready to go. Suddenly the receptionist asked, "Miss, can you help us fill up these survey forms pls?" I nearly fainted.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Today's sermon

I thought i was pretty inspired by today's msg so I decided to write it here. Anyway the passage is taken from Ephesians 5:22 - 6:4 and basically talking more about the roles of husbands, wives and children, though he did mention a lil on parents. I like how he says that the evil one knows if he can hurt us at home, he can hurt us everywhere. I fully agree with that. Hurts with family often affect many parts of my life, for example work, relations with frens etc. Thats how impt our family is to us I guess. Anyway, according to the bible, husbands are to be to the wives who Jesus is to the church. 3 things he's supposed to give 1) Leadership (not dictatorship) 2) Love in terms of passionate love, purifying love, protecting love and providing love. 3) Loyalty As for wives, they are to be to the husbands as the church is to Christ and to give to the husbands in terms of 1) Submission 2) Support 3) Intimacy And children are to give these 2 things to the parents 1) Humility 2) Respect And parents are to 1) care for the children 2) give time to the children Yep, not much of an elaboration because I dun feel like it haha....tired le la....anyway, I kinda enjoyed the time of prayer we had after service when I prayed with Tianmin on our family relations and also ourselves to be that kinda woman who are such gd catch to our future husbands and of cos in the eyes of God too. And also praying for ourselves to find future husbands who possess those qualities, and unless we can find a man who love us in all those ways, who is responsible to wanna take care of us and pledging that loyalty, we kinda will not give our hearts to just any Tom, Dick or Harry. Who can compare to Christ's love for us? Nobody. Ok la, i go sleep le.... I have a very annoying tuition parent. Gotta go pray abt it. Goodnight!

I picked them up...

U noe sometimes when you are watching movies that you will somehow get stirred a bit by things the characters say? When I was watching Forest Gump, I like how he says "Stupid is as stupid does." Haha, I dunno what that means. Enlighten me. My English is too bad. And I was watching Ghost just now. Yes, the "oh my love...." Ghost show produced in 1990. And then before Sam was murdered (I think, I haven't seen him dead yet), he was kinda telling Molly (Demi Moore) "Whenever anything good in my life happens, I'm just afraid I'm going to lose it." yep, and I suddenly pause to think how true is that for most people. Do many people feel a sense of insecurity whenever something good happens to them, that the next moment this sense of bliss will just leave them? Is it a bad thing definitely to have this fear of losing this "good" in our lives? This fear may be good to help us not get complacent, and to in turn treasure the whatever good we are having. Helps us not to take things for granted. Actually, I feel this kinda fear is very real in many of our lives. Sometimes life just seem too good that we pause to wonder the reality of it. Having this fear is good too, so that we will not be caught unprepared when this good thing leaves us. At least for me, i feel when one good thing leaves, another good will come. Many people are fond of saying, if you really love that person, you will accept the person as he (or she) is. But I feel, sometimes when you really love a person, you will want to change for the better, for his (or her) sake; those things which you can change of course. I once read in a book that it is very unwise (and probably even foolish) to get into a relationship with the hope that the other person will change. As in like there is this something about the other person which u cant really stand, but still you go into a relationship with that person in hope that he or she will change (for you) after you both get together. The book says it doesnt work this way; I too agree. I mean, how sure we are that the person will change? And what sorta risk are we putting ourselves to when we expect a person to change but he or she does not? But I think to many people such issues are not even issues. To them, a relationship is just like a game. I observe many kinda people these days who hold casual attitudes towards such things.Commonly, I see people who 1) JUST WANT A MATE (COMPANION) Such people just want "somebody to be there" when "things happen", like somebody to call when he (or she) is in distress. They probably will hope the relationship to last, but maybe because they want such "companions" too urgently, that they commonly plunge very quickly into a relationship as soon as they meet somebody suitable without even knowing them well. Not long after, you'll just see the couple quarrelling perpetually and end up with a break up sooner or later. And then the person will be on a mate hunt very soon, and you start to see all sorts of weird MSN nick telling you how des****** they are. *Why nobody wants to love me???* They love to put such nicks. For around half a year to a year. And after they got hitched. *Oh, my sweet love, you are all I want, HAPPY 2ND MONTH!* to publicly annoucne they are very attached again. 2) PURSUE INVISIBLE GOALS These are people who probably are serious in wanting to eventually get married but who just don't want to think too much on how to attain that. For example a 26 year old getting attached with a 16yr old convent gal (ok, nothing to do with the convent actually). And you comment how possible it is to last thru with such a young gal who has not yet gone thru many stages of her life and who very possibly may change her expectations of a companion. Person in concern will say it doesnt matter, as things will work out by themselves. He or she does not even consider properly whether this will be "the one" and just go straight head on into the relationship. These kind of people often pass comments like "see how la" and "think so far for what?" 3) FOOL AROUND ENDLESSLY And of cos these people whose longest relationship record is a few months. And on average have 7 girlfriends (or boyfriends) in a year. When you ask how many relationships they have had, they will probably need to starting counting way back when they were in primary school and they may possible ask you,"3 days considered in a relationship or not?" These people may very well consider the number of having how many galfrens or boyfrens equivalent to how powerful they are, or how attractive they are. And of cos there are still those very faithful men and women out there whom I dun see often these days. Wow, very tired. But it is so nice using the internet on the bed. My room is still messy and my mum actually ask me not to sleep to pack up the room. So diu lian, and so she says it. Goodnightynight =)

Friday, October 07, 2005

Can u believe it?

my ibook actually showed me an error page AGAIN just now. wah....where got like that one ah? I see other people blog probably also not like me, have to keep seeing that sickening error page. I am contemplating to really send an email to blogger. LIKE THAT REALLY NO MOOD TO BLOG LA!

The long overdue magnets

haha, yep blogging on my bed now using my brand new i book. Not totally brand new because when it was REALLy brand new, it was with somebody else. Well =) at least my bao bei is with me now =) I seriously hope this thing can help me post picts and not bring me to any error page. Does apple have error page? Anyways.... THE MAGNETS!!! =) Image hosted by Photobucket.com Now that's the very powerful drummer. His name is.........(great, my ibook doesnt even allow me to view the magents wepage) Oh, anyway his name is Andy, only this kinda guy truly qualifies to be called having an in built mic in him. Image hosted by Photobucket.com The guy beside me's Nic. He is kinda the founder of the magnets. And ya, the guang tou on top of me, he's called james. I think out of all, he sings the 2nd best, 2nd to Steve of cos =) And you see that kpo gia Steve coming in, cos according to Roger, he got nothing to do. Image hosted by Photobucket.com This is Mr Hum Sup Lo....wah lau.....Roger cut off his hands in this pict. You should have seen where he placed his hands. Anyway la....cos I converted all the picts to black and white (anyway in the original they look near black and white, so may as well), Mr Collin's face here looked almost totally black cos he's a black in the first place, and more black after U used photoshop to make these picts black and white. Forgive me, Collin. And finally, presenting.... Image hosted by Photobucket.com Our man! (haha....dun wanna say he's MY man) He is just so attractive ok? Steve =) ACcording to our observations, he seemed to be out from the group, cos I think he has an extremely weird attitude. But still, I have to say, him despite being weird and probably a bit hao lian too, he is extremely charismatic. Oh, and we didnt take photo with Mike, or according to Minghui, Enrique lookalike, because we somehow just didnt have the chance nor desire to... ALRIGHT, that's about it for now.....I'm falling sick.....and my room is extremely messy because I am in no good condition to tidy up stuffs....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Very thankful......

I do not know what's going to become.... But I really am very thankful, especially to the sovereign one above, that even when I did not trust Him wholeheartedly, I was many times in doubt, yet He chose to give it to me. I just hope that the light will bring me through and attain what I really really hope for. God help me.

My first post using my ibook

wah lau...I think mac is even worse man. Now the dashboard has only the check spelling and add picture tabs. Well, at least I hope it can help me post some picts...... And I can only open one window? Wah really not used to it..... =( Nobody wants to help me!!!! Roger Goh is ignoring me totally =(

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Forest Gump! =)

Just a short one since blogger is still ever so stupid, well, the usual problem of not being able to post long entries with picts and all that. But Forest Gump is so nice! =) Just finished watching it and is it like so inspirational or what? Good day ahead because of forest gump =)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

What crap...

You Are Japanese Food
Strange yet delicious. Contrary to popular belief, you're not always eaten raw.
oh anyway, blogger upgraded to a even more weird dashboard now that all the editing stuffs are gone, completely errorneous

Huh??

Haha...why does blogger dashboard look so stupid all of a sudden? Juuuust when I feel I wanna come here to blog about the magnets. Yah yah I know la, the magnets again la.....show you photo ma....but now the page looks like this, I wanna vomit and no mood to write anything more. Hmmmm..........I have a weird friend who suddenly had moodswings and I DUN EVEN KNOW what did I do wrong... Never mind, I am not affected =)