Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I am leaving my job by end Dec

and guess what, my boss is leaving with me too! Not because they love me too much but it has always been in their plan to leave and seek a better opportunity elsewhere. They say that TheCompany has managed to keep them until now, but skeptical me wonder whether they have done something wrong such that TheCompany has asked them to leave. Cos it was just half a year ago that they tried so hard to keep me from going and offered me a pretty good full time pay (considering the hours I work) and even shared with me their "ambition" to hope to expand. And how recently we see TheBoss receiving calls all day long and always not around, that we feel he is up to something else outside. Well, at least I think all these happen, but which also fall perfectly into God's will in my life. Anyway, everything does not really quite affect me sincer I will be leaving together and happily getting my full time pay till Dec. And I can get my pay in advanced since it may not be most appropriate if I go back 1st Jan to get. i am very pleased with that =) since that means I can have money earlier to give as ang pao for the wedding. Why does the sun go on shining Why does the sea rush to shore Don't they know it's the end of the world 'Cause you don't love me any more Why do the birds go on singing Why do the stars glow above Don't they know it's the end of the world It ended when I lost your love I wake up in the morning and I wonder Why everything's the same as it was I can't understand, no, I can't understand How life goes on the way it does Why does my heart go on beating Why do these eyes of mine cry Don't they know it's the end of the world It ended when you said goodbye Why does my heart go on beating Why do these eyes of mine cry Don't they know it's the end of the world It ended when you said goodbye - performed by Skeeter Davis

So many to buy yet so little money

Finally I am blogging something about my buying craves. Have ENDLESS things I hope to buy always and I always wanted to blog it out but always never because -- I AM SCARED HOW PEOPLE WILL SEE ME!! Yeah la, I am a loser la, can? Haiz, haha, I also dunno. Actually seriously, a good girl will not be a spendthrift like I do. Anyhows, the blog is made private now so I can write whatever I wan! Hahaha!!! Went to watch Excorcism of Emily rose with Tianmin today. And then basically walked around to see what things there are to lay our hands on. I am intending to buy some stuffs for Jacob and Liansi's wedding. As in what to wear in. Definitely will need earrings, necklace, a top, a skirt, a pair of shoes and a bag. Saw these: - retro earrings at Far East (shouldnt be too expensive) - a rose one at my fren's shop, Pandora Box at Far East - 19.90 - A top at marks & Spencer's - $55 - A Skirt at Zara - $75 - bag from Mango - $99 Can u believe it actually that I would spend like more than 200 on just what I wear? I dunno why I am giving so much importance to it. Maybe because it's the first wedding dinner I am attending as an offcial adult, together with my frens that is. I mean, last time, we normally go with parents what right? Perhaps thats the significance that now I am going as an adult, and thats why I wanna spend this money, I guess. But may or may not also, need to plan my money of cos, and go elsewhere to see if they have nicer clothes still. And greedy me, I still hope to buy such things: - Tommy girl perfume - Specs from Bugis - Lotion and stuffs from Marks & Spencer - Bag at Far East which costs 70 bucks - Guess watch for SGD165 Right...just wanna put down these in words to shock myself. Anyway, I think my library book's overdue again. bah, goodnight

Friday, November 18, 2005

世人的罪恶

I am apalled, seriouly, by the evil of human hearts. Buddhism or dunno which religion says that 人性本善 right,but seriously 人性is 本恶 isnt it so. Recently i felt pretty intrigued by the thing about serial killer after watching a program on Discovery Channel at my hotel at Hong Kong (didnt finish it even because I gotta check out already). And thus my interest was aroused and started to read more on serial killers. Was just surfing just now, and probably u have known him, but u noe this guy Eddie geins? Anyway, an excerpt from the Wikipedia of him Searching the house, authorities found: - severed heads acting as bedposts in the bedroom, - skin used to make lampshades and chair seats, - skullcaps made into soup bowls, - a human heart (it is disputed where the heart was found; the deputies' reports all claim that the heart was in a saucepan on the stove, with some crime scene photographers claiming it was in a paper bag), - a necklace of human lips, - a waistcoat made up of a vagina and breasts, - and other items fashioned from the parts of human bodies including a belt fashioned from nipples. - Above all, Gein's most infamous creation was an entire wardrobe fabricated of human skin consisting of leggings, a gutted torso (including breasts) and an array of tanned, dead-skin masks that looked leathery and almost mummified. Gein honestly believed that by eating the corpses of women who looked like his mother, he could preserve his mother's soul inside his body. He killed two women who bore passing resemblances to his mother, eating one and being apprehended while in the process of preparing the second woman's body for consumption. He also used the flesh of exhumed corpses to fashion a "woman suit" for himself so that he could "become" his mother, and carried on conversations with himself in a falsetto voice. After his arrest he was placed in a mental facility for the remainder of his life. As I read on, i just realise really many of these people come from dysfunctional families, and most of them suffer from physical, sexual etc abuse when they are young. Or very extreme ways of discipline... Somehow you just wonder how come there are so many of such people existing who suffer from abuse etc. And you wonder why at the same time when there are children or people who live in such conditions, you are living in a totally different one. I think sometimes we take thgs too for granted. That we just feel we surely will not be killed or anything like that. Every year in the United states 5000 people are killed by serial killers. I am very sad.

Changed the site's name and I'm a big screw up

Yep, changed the name from stirring to lucialeong. Ya la, thats my new name. But changed it more for the feeling of hoping this blog to be private once again. There are some things I wanna type out, not too personal ones of cos. But just dun really hope people to read them. Maybe because i just felt like a big screw up all of a sudden. I mean, I do always feel I am a screw up. I do many wrong things all the time. While I was surfing the net just now, I saw fren's blog which she has shut down, apparently because of something I have done. Well, maybe she didnt shut down but she changed the site's name like what I do. Just feel it's pretty sad that something you did caused another person to decide he or she better not share such personal things with you lest history repeats itself. Also, msged another fren after i came back from Hong Kong, not immediately but just with a pretty light hearted mood both to ask him some things but also to tell him I bought something from Hong Kong for him. Sensed fren's tone is pretty leng dan, and contemplated asking why he sounded like that. But instead of doing that, I asked him why he sounded so leng dan and felt weird that I even kept him in mind and bought him something. Turned out in the end that he said he was very sian with some things in school and why is it the moment I come back I have nothing better to say, Well, I guess, that's pretty sad. I thought I had no evil intentions whatsoever and really I thought it was unfair that I receive such treatement just because he is frustrated over his work. And I think we always do demand our rights, and I hope I can remember that I am become someone with no rights, and what that need to replace it is understanding, forbearance and grace. Probably I should just be silent so as to not screw things up again. Enough of screw ups, really.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

To Hong Kong..........

Yep, need to reach airport by 6 freaking am tomorrow. Good thing, and really am very happy that pup is driving down instead of needing to take a cab. Actually i plan to not sleep since I have not packed my luggage and I reckon it will take some time to pack, and since I am going on a trip, and i have no undergarments with me, the more limited one I mean, alright, I am not meaning to go into details, but really i think I adore doing last min stuffs. I am not gan cheong at all with this last min thing I am having, at least this one, because I am quite sure getting a luggage packed isnt that tough a task to accomplish. haha, i oso dunno why I'd suddenly have this idea of not returning again, I mean, die in a foreign land. I mean, ya la, I dun think I will be this "heng", but what if really I die and not come back again, will u miss me? yeah, i will always imagine how my frens will look if I die, like will they cry for me and I will always remain a loss in their hearts? Right la, I am not making sense I know. then who is going to close down my blog if I die? What about my email, friendster and all that account? Hmmm Ok, I think it really is time to speed things up. I still gotta write two letters before I depart. See you again after 5 short days! =)

It's 2.30am

Cannot fall asleep la. I think it may be due to my excitement of going to hong kong. HONG KONG!!!!!! =))))))) teeheehee! haha, yeah, really pretty excited to go there. Muz muz take the typical pict of the 香港夜景, where you know people pose in front of the harbor or something like that with all the colorful HK buildings behind them? =) Yep, I'm going to take those =) Just went to visit my cell group's blog and haha, there was this thing about a bro posting up some Muslim convert thing and another bro taking that post down and then some "td" (I dunno who) commented that he (or she) didnt see any prob with that Muslim convert's post. Aiyah, Mimi just meant good, anything to settle, settle again ok? haha....ya la, I havent have my views as to whether that post is "politically correct" or not because I seriously have no mind made for politics. And I seriously think as well that the sedition act whatever whatever doesnt concern me too much. I blog for my own pleasure mainly. heh heh. Blogging is a good tool to put me to sleep. Now I feel sleepy. maybe I will blog again when I am awake. Haha....and flooooooooood whoever who reads with my powerful Chinese. Power ge tou la... 再见,龙老师。

Thursday, November 10, 2005

学着走

两个人走在一起,是不是真的那么简单? 我要停下闻闻路边的小黄花;你要去小溪的另一边看鱼。 我走累了想停下歇一歇;你想要快些走,以追上其他的友人。 如果想做的事情不一样,如果想法也不一制,要如何继续地一起走? 还好我知道还有“他”。 无论我走得多快或慢,“他”都耐心地陪我走着;无论我停多少次,“他”也都会等我。如果我没力气再坚持,他会抱着我走,直到我有能再自己行走下去。 在他身上,我找着了安慰。

Monday, November 07, 2005

了解

很久没尝试用华文来抒发内心的感受,可想而知,我的华文程度已大不如从前;那是如果我的华文曾经被视以好来讲。 不知你是否会如此,有的时候心里会有些感慨。而那种感慨被一些华文字来形容就再恰当不过;也许这是多年来与华文所建立的那份感情所造成。而使用华文的时候也通常会让人--至少是让我--觉得能把情绪酝酿得更好一些,少了使用英文时的那种随性。可能因为有样东西叫 Singlish, 却没有一样东西叫 Sing“nese”,所以要随随便便地使用华文也不行。 而近来,我的脑子里便一直响着这两个字: 了解。 什么是了解?而了解的意思又是由谁来定?是单单词典里的意思,还是伟人所教我们的种种大道理;是父母亲从小给我们灌输的观念,还是我们经过人生洗礼后所学到的保贵一课? 上帝所创造的人类真的很有意思。我们有着无可限制的 freewill; 对不起,我不知道 freewill 在华文里怎么解释,可能牵强些,算是任意的选择特权。哈哈,真的很牵强。 你也许就会问,那了解和 freewill 又有何关联?失礼了,关联也许不大,只是当我在做我的白日梦时,会不经意地把这两个词凑在一起。 因为我觉得了解是一种选择。当你想要更深入地了解另一个人或事物时,你需要做个选择。可是,拿个人来做比方,那个你想要了解的人不见得会想要同样地了解你。最大的打击是当你发现这你一直都以为你很了解的人,其实你一点都不了解;或是这个你非常了解的人,一点都不了解你。因为打从一开始,那个人就没选择要了解你;想要好好地去了解这个人是个一厢情愿的选择。freewill 就是这样地派上用场,你可以选择去了解,但不代表你一定能达成目的,也不代表另一方面也会选择以同样的形式来对待你。付出往往不等于收回;但如果你不付出的话,就根本没机会收回。 有时侯在看电视节目时,当听到一些艺人怎么地把他们的话说得好像一种哲理时,我会忍不住觉得很好笑。昨天,就有这某某艺人说了这一句话 “不敢伤害另一个人,有时才是最大的伤害。” 我会觉得很好笑是因为这句话,在我的想法里来看,只限于一种状况才派的上用场。如果用法是那么的被受局限,那我就会觉得这句话很没有意思。 哇!我是不是很厉害?? 假厉害就有,哈哈哈,自作聪明,自扮清高。 无聊。 对啦,我在听到那位艺人说了这句话后,我又不经意地把了解与现代人的感情观念联想在一起。 许多人在开始一段感情时,都不把了解摄入择偶的一个标准里。他们通常都爱说,在一起后,有多的是时间来了解。然而在了一起后,了解让你发现你无法继续地去了解这个人。 但还有一些人认为两个人在一起根本就不需要太多的了解,反正在一起就是在一起,为什么要了解。有时侯在听了这些人说这些话后,禁不住怀疑为什么有的人可以说出那么不负责任,那么不理智的话。你可能觉得我很荒谬,想说哪有人会是这样,可事实真的如此,如果你不是这样的人,那你算是少数的那一组。 在没有爱与了解的存在中,肉体上所能给的满足又何尝能让我们感受真爱是什么?也许这就是为什么你看周围的人都一直都在感情 ”游戏“ 里作徘徊的原因。 很多人也可能忘了家里人也需要了解。小时候,爸爸妈妈忙着工作赚钱来给你过好生活而忘了好好地了解你。当你长大了后,爸爸妈妈才发现自己的孩子已经改变了那么多,想要去了解,但心门早已上了锁。孩子们的那一方面来看,不是不想被那给予你生命的两个人所了解,不是心门上了锁,而是未曾开过。现代人的家庭观念也越来薄弱。 了解-- 了解。。。 了解。。。。。。。。写的我头都晕了。哪怕我也开始在把我的想法哲理化,如果真是这样,请多多包涵啊,哈哈。。。。小妹就在此说 bye bye 了。撒哟那啦!!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

ramdom doodles and teachers

Haha, I think I have read too many people these days who write things like: "I haven't been blogging lately, I know. Not that I don't want to blog, but honestly, what is there to blog about nowadays?" or "Sedition act. Shudder. Silence." And alot more la... How come this thing has affected us SO much? i cant really figure out, anyway i dun think the sedition act affects me much, anyway I dun rant like many "intellectual" people do, and I dun find the need to also, I dun have so much "injustice" in my heart, haha... i have not been as consistent in my updates for only one reason. I am too lazy to blog. I mean, along the way there probably are interesting things to blog about, but well, sometimes blogging requires effort, for personal satisfaction most of it, such that u will wanna do a good job. So most often than not, I am being overcome by my laziness to edit picts and upload and this and that. And so no updates la! What have I been up to recently is getting excited by my baptism on the 18Dec, lazing away reading books and watching tad alot of dvds. And really many dvds for that matter. Calling MOE to arrange my appointment briefing change of date, preparing other docs etc etc, and getting ready to go hong kong next sun =) haha...I am feeling a lil dingy now because i slept for only around 4 hours after a night of nearly no sleep from Tianmin's place. Woke up because of discomfort, I guess from my not skipping of dinner last night. Aiyah, no big deal not having dinner, but I think I am TOO used to eating liao and so the initial discomfort. Yep, thought I should really be more conscious, from now on to keep a diet and to try to lose weight by monitoring my diet and also exercising of cos. Haha, I dunno why going to teach affects me that much such that I REALLY wanna lose some weight after so long. I mean, I feel I nearly dun wanna care too much about my weight issue before that, I think because of....erm, yep laziness. And now the teaching thing gives me quite alot of motivation...kinda wanna look good in front of my students and look better in those clothes also la..haha... talking about teaching, I was telling Tianmin I really really, ok another one, REALLY cannot imagine how it is like for me to teach. The feeling is close to that of being unable to imagine i can be somebody's mother now. Haha...yeah, along that line. Dunno lei...it probably has to do with the confidence level, but i really cannot imagine leh... Sometimes I see myself as somebody who is not very serious, and my character is such a one that is really bo liao. I mean, I do all sorts of bo liao things, I talk nonsense to my frens, and now I am going to be a....TEACHER?? really la, 为人师表,应该做个好榜样, I think I am really very influenced by that. Even though Tianmin tells me some of the ugly things some teachers do nowadays, and probably teachers have been like that all right from the past, just that I didnt notice, and they look all so perfect, i still feel a teacher SHOULD behave like a teacher. And I can feel the change in me bit by bit. i feel we cannot underestimate the power of a good teacher, and of cos the reverse works wonderfully as well, both of which I have experienced many times. In my primary school, I had a chinese teacher whom at that point of time, I told myself I'd hate her forever (of cos I dun hate her anymore).I dunno why in the past a teacher is allowed to do such things. She actually gave my friend a slap before. And she mocked at me many times at my stupidity. And I felt so put down by her. During JC, i was very adversely affected by my GP teacher, who wrote this comment at the end of my comprehension: "If you continue on to be like that, just be prepared to fail your A's!!!"" Aiyo! My A's was like 1 month away or something and she actually wrote such a thing to me? wah lau...I know I was never a super hardworking student or wat during JC, but hardworking I am to some extent. How can she just throw such super duper discouraging words to me without even attempting to help me practically like coming up to me to explain my problems. Instead all she did was to write that!!! I think teachers sometimes think too highly of themselves. They probably feel every student is like shit or stupid people and they are so high above their students like gods or something. I also have friends whose teachers are very biased, and that affects them very much too, in the negative manner. A good reminder to me to not be like these kinda teachers. And of cos as much as like a bad teacher breaks u, good teachers build u up and let u learn things that u will carry thru, possibly till the end of ur life. During JC, yep Jc again cos during primary school and secondary school, studying was like a breeze that I really dun worry too much about until I reached JC that I start to "anyhow" in my studies, of cos not to mention that very "regrettable" period in NUS. Anyway, I was one of those who played ALOT during JC and obviously my time was spent on playing than on doing tutorials. I think I nearly didnt give a damn about tutorials. And, if I may add, I am not proud of that AT ALL, now. I barely scraped thru my A's, I dunno how I did that. I was one of those on the list who has "great potential" to repeat my JC1. And I think it may be bcos of that, that i worked last min and managed to reach the bare minimum to get promoted to JC2. haha, people never learn their lesson. At least, I didnt seem to learn my lesson then. So during JC2 I was back to my old ways of not doing tutorials. Actually to be frank, the problem of doing tutorials is not that i dun spend time doing, but really I dunno how to do. I tell you, my Maths is really like shit lor. I mean, though i do simple calculation like money calculation whatsoever in daily life pretty well. But my mind is made in such a way that it refuses to be good frens with Maths. I dun understand things like Binomial theorem, this number choose that number or that number choose this number, or what about Trigo...yep, trigo, NIGHTMARE!!! So because i dunno how to do, I also dun bother to ask frens or teachers. I just leave my tutorials blank most of the time and go to class and copy the right solutions. I didnt feel doing that was any wrong at that point of time, cos I feel things just work the same. Having the solution makes things easier when I go home and try to attempt again. Of cos the "go home and try to attempt again" never did happen, ok, maybe once or twice I did bother to really try but soon grow discouraged again cos having the solutions didnt help if u dun udnerstand why people do things that way. Of cos now as I think back, I'd really hope to do things differently, though of cos I cant anymore. Anyhows, after the first term passed in JC2, we changed a maths teacher because the previous very firece one was due for labor. This teacher was a very nice teacher, gentle and demure and all, and i thought she will never bother about us and i can happily not do mu tutorials. I didnt think differently of her until that divine day. So it happens that we were having our Maths tutorial, and I was happily daydreamin and slacking in my chair when suddenly i heard my name. The teacher asked me go in front and write the solution on the board, and I panicked a lil but quickly asked for my fren to lend me hers. Smart alec la...do that in front of a teacher who's obviously not blind. So teacher asked me to hand over my work and was furious that it was blank. And ordered me to finish things up and let her see by next tutorial lesson. Anyway, teacher was smart enuf to know I'll probably resort to copying (actually copying is really very stupid u noe. now that I think of it, I wonder why was I so stupid to do copying. I mean copying is obviously wasting ur own time and energy cos at the end of the day u learn nothing. ok, maybe u learn how to write faster), so she said I muz be able to explain to her why I do those questions that way. Completely dejected, I thank God I have frens at that point of time who were very competent in their Maths, one of them going to be a Maths teacher now, and another one studying comp engin now, u see his da tou u noe liao. Ya la, anyway they came to my rescue, and to cut the story short, teacher was pleased, and subsequently she checked with me every now and then my work to make sure I never slackened. And of cos I think having frens to help with my work helped me to be very much more motivated. And for the first time in my life, and maybe the last too, i had an A for Maths. I think it takes extra effort for the teacher to scold u, to check on u, to make sure u really can do well. I mean, she can just leave u as u are what, cant meh? of cos la, there's this thg about if how many percent of ur class fails, u will need to account for it or what. Hmm...or does that only happen at M*I*, and not government schools? Yup, good teachers, as I think of it, i can only think of 2 more, one in my JC, one is NUS. The JC Mrs Suresh is like a mother and fren, always making extra notes and quizzes for us to help us to improve, and nagged like a mother when we dun perform. Of cos that naggign helps, I think a 18 year old teenager is already sensible enuf to see who really cares and sees the sincerity and wanting to work hard. And the NUS teacher who always calls me to his office (actually I approached him a couple of times too because i didnt understand my work) because i did badly for my tests and gave me that extremely bewildered look when I told him I dunno some basic concepts. But yet he was ever patient and willing to give me a hand, many hands in fact. Though in the end, I also didnt approach many teachers and just resigned to things and die in my sloth, thats why I was out. Coincidentally, these 2 teachers are Christians. haha, aiayh, I know la, I am not trying to say all Christian teachers are good la, just that these two happen to be Christians. The Chinese teacher who slapped my fren may be a Christian too, that I dunno, though I dun think so as well. And u noe, the teach dun preach thing, sometimes I feel u dun even need to preach, by ur actions and effort, the student sees what u would hope to tell him or her even without the preaching, because u showed love and genuine concern. Oh, can u believe it's 8am already? I am going back to sleep.... =) Nightey nites...